During my first year in college, my friend and I decided to audition for a singing competition. The Drama-Music-Art society of the university had organised the event. There were separate auditions for Hindi and English singers. I was auditioning for English and my friend for Hindi singing.

This was after college, so after 5 PM. We were sitting on the ground. The organisers had erected a stage with a mike under the Science Block. There would have been around 20-30 participants.

I am not a singer. I have never had any training. I enjoy singing though. On whim, me and my friend had decided to do this audition. It was a low-stake, medium-reward situation for us. We were not expecting that we would win this thing. We were a couple of first years who thought, ‘what the hell, why not?’

As I went through my four years of college, I lost this belief. It happened too slow for me to notice, or do anything about.

Anyway, back to the auditions. While we waited, and as the clock ticked on, I thought about leaving. It was getting late. My friend lived nearby, but I had to take a bus, then a metro, then a bus, and then walk to my home.

But we stayed back.

Finally, I walked upto the stage and sang Blackbirds. I think I sang OK. I sang my song and at the end, they asked me to sing another one. Either they had not heard the song and hence could not judge how I sang. Or, they wanted to hear another song to better judge me.

This time I sang, or tried to sing, In the End. The only other song I was confident I remembered the lyrics to. I started with Mike’s rap, looking at this one particular person in the crowd, who was singing along with me. That gave me a little confidence. But by the time I got to Chester’s part, I realised I had made a mistake. This was not a solo song. To be sung without music, or at least another person around. Also, as I said, earlier, I am not a trained singer.

So I stopped in the middle. Laughed a little and left the stage. You know in a way that was meant to say, ‘Hey! I’m just goofing around here. I don’t care!’

But I do care. I cared about this. I care about other things. But in life, over time if you don’t get things. You tend to protect yourself by saying you never actually wanted it in the first place.

There is no lesson here.

I am done with saying that though. There are things I want. And I will own that. Whether I get it or not is a different matter. One that I can not hope to control. All I can do is do the work.

And so I am.